expectations

Most of us carry images in our mind of how the world should be. When reality and those inner images don't overlap or struggle to come to a meet, we generally experience strong emotions as  a result. In the past I observed the bumps and bruises expectations can create when they are not met in my own family. It's not so much painful to me to see this when I am involved, but more so when I'm not as it makes me sad.

What I find funny is my occasional 'bumps' and 'hiccups'. Just when I think I'm on a road of being at peace with things and feeling energetic something might throw me off balance unexpectedly. Then I'm thinking ok what have I done NOW? Sometimes I can laugh about it, other times I call myself an idiot. Usually it's about something I failed to recognize, like say discovering an old habit that I have been ignoring or seeing that my attitude needs re-aligning in an area.

Making small steps and changing the images of our desired life in our minds to a fairly upbeat realistic scenario is more preferable. Self acceptance can be trying if we keep battling parts of who we are: demanding of ourselves to be this or that no matter what. The thing is too that it's not other people's job to live up to your expectations to ease your life, it's your job to live up to yours. And preferably: you will be nice to yourself in the process.

Try and appreciate others even if they don't conform to your expressed or unexpressed wishes. Wouldn't it be a lot nicer if we set each other free? It would surely take the pressure off. And we would be far more fun to be around each other.

So really: trying to accommodate other people's expectations is very hard work, but your own can be such a struggle too. And it doesn't need to be. It takes a lot of willpower to stay true to ourselves and to let others do things their way. Trust that other people are experts at running their own lives, making their own choices, even if you don't see the wisdom of it. You may not be holding all the cards. Let them go.

And have a laugh. I know I am for being such a muppet! (That post was almost too serious for my own good. Time to move on. Have a fab weekend!)

Learning through Experience

Have you read the Secret and thought: presto, I’ll read the book, try and change the way I think and next I’ll:

• Be changed and all dandy: it's all attitude right?


• Win lotto!


• Find the perfect man/woman (you know they don’t exist right….. oh you still hope …ok )


• Retire and buy an exotic island and drink martinis


• Make millions with your own company


• Have the perfect figure and wear a bikini again


• Have a massive walk in wardrobe and lots of shoes. Finally.


• Learn many languages and travel and travel


• Live blissfully ever after.

But…. If you DO want to learn, how about listening to what the people around you think? (if they have the guts to tell you. They might and also say things which can surprise you.)

So here’s a fun exercise to learn how others view you: feedback
Select 3-5 people and ask them to send you a written reply and give them a promise you will not pummel them no matter what the outcome will be.

Questions to ask others who know you quite well:
1) If you look at my life up till now, what can I:
Be proud of? (Qualities, attributes, accomplishments)
Be happy or pleased about?
And why do you think that?

2) If you think about my future
What do you think would be good for me to experience in regards to:
Personal development,
Challenges to overcome and
Give time and attention to?
Why did you think that would be good for me?

3) Why do you think it could be hard for me to realize all the above?

So: do you really want to know what people think about you or rather not? Do you look in the mirror from time to time or does it freak you out? Do you want to know? Or happily not to? I think I'll try this exercise just for the sheer fun of it. There's always stuff to learn, whether it's about me or others as well. I don't know but I reckon it could be hilarious.

With many thanks to the Dutch magazine Flow and the website

www.debaak.nl If you need a coach (in Holland that is) go check them out.

Girl friends

Girls are different from boys.
Amazing! Really? Well naturally for obvious reasons but that set aside, are we just different biologically or is it our conditioning that creates more change/harm than good? One wonders what would happen if girls shaved their heads at an early age, boys grew their hair and each went on to play with respectively their plastic Tommy guns or Barbie dolls.

My parents told me what name they had chosen for me had I been born a boy. Frankly I’m happy I’m a girl. I don’t know what my life would have been like had I grown up like a typical boy. I think it’s a good thing I had two elder brothers as a girl. It’s beneficial to grow up with the other sex in the same household. It’s not just sensible but also educational. Whack! No YOU shut up. Like I said, it’s all good for you. Or something.
Is it true our brains are wired differently? I don’t know and probably some researcher somewhere knows the answer to that one. Point being, we behave differently because we are 1. conditioned that way and 2. Because we have a different biological makeup.

It is fascinating stuff.

I have several very good girlfriends and they seem to have the denominator of: being creative, somewhat whimsical, bright but not die hard business bitches, sensitive, insightful, honest, loyal, gorgeous, hard working, spiritual, funny and independent. Now what does that mean?

They are women who are optimistic about the future, always curious, contemplating, continually working on themselves, got their act together quite a while ago (no more boohoos), have their eye on the ball, made huge progress in their lives, have big hearts, had man trouble in the past but got over any nonsense now. They deserve the respect and love they radiate towards others.

This is saying a lot about me too. I find I have become friends with women who are strong and who work hard on their inner challenges. They know what they’re about. They don’t take any crap either. They laugh but they’re tough as old boots. People who don't know them mistakenly think they’re fragile and that they need rescuing.

We meet various people in our lives; sometimes we stay friends with them for a long period of time, sometimes it’s fairly short. The truth is that it doesn’t really matter. It’s not about the amount of friendships but the quality of it. I have changed my opinion about friendships a long time ago. I’ve always remained positive about believing in others and trusting them, seeing the best of them and what they can be. Ultimately you depend on yourself but friends make life more joyous.

It’s appreciating the moments that are shared but not depending on them being there. Support from others is wonderful but the fact you have to know how to support yourself is essential. I see gifts and support from my friends always as a bonus as I don’t expect any. I have no claims on them, nor do I like to be claimed as one that involves expectations. I think this is a healthy way.

You could say that friends reflect aspects of you, as that is how you connect with them in the first place. Parts of you are similar to theirs and vice versa. It’s like looking in the mirror sometimes.

“Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.”

Wellbeing

A girlfriend of mine has the tendency to point out when I gain a kilo or lose some. She does not intend for this to be mean but just states a fact. I do not keep tabs myself as I don’t have a scale at home, but I can tell when jeans are wearing well or worse. The literal bottom line (and I have a very nice one I’m often told) is that I have to be happy with my state of physique. When you care about how you feel and how many blobby bits you carry with you then your own view of your body is the only thing that matters. I’ve noticed that other people’s comments reflect on how they perceive their own body image, not necessarily my own.

I feel less fit with too many additional bits. I do like a bit of scrumptious flesh on me. It makes me feel healthy and “me”. I’m a woman, I’ve got ‘roundings’ and I’m not Twiggy. Fortunately mum and dad have done well in the genes department so I’m naturally lucky with my shape I guess.

So what we are talking about here is the:
Acceptance of the state of flesh
The following of your own cookbook
That exercising is good for the body but also for the brain.

Funny enough the self image lies in the brain not so much in the body. It’s how we VIEW ourselves and how we feel inside our skin that shapes our opinion. It’s as important to take care of the inside as well as the outside. At the moment my outside is looking quite stunning. My inside is a bit foggy but it’s starting to clear up again. Being too busy clogs the brain with twitter twatter. Yip they’re right, time for meditation again! More about the art of a ”tete-a-toi” another time.

The most important thing about self image for me is self acceptance. Rejoice in being you and everything falls into place. Wonderful stuff. Simple but apt and feel the change. (That and get all happy training for a triathlon, like me.)

I would also suggest for everyone to start a Whitebook. This is especially important for ladies. Write everyday what you have achieved and what went well. We tend to focus on what we haven’t done or haven’t achieved yet opposed to praising the skies about the pile of things we have done this week! I have the tendency to flog myself inside if I haven't done all I had to do. A Whitebook puts things in perspective which is healthy. And yeah! it’s Friday......