partnership

Last week a new animal joined our menagerie of fuzzie-family on the farm: a horse. I was as surprised as you to hear about it as it all happened very fast. In any case: here Silky arrived and my what a power house she is! A wise and beautifully proud thoroughbred, she got the gist of me quickly and is very kind to me. She absolutely adores my husband.

If you have never been around horses: they are literally a different breed. For starters they are herd animals and very very observant of humans. Uncanningly so. To say that I would be in future teaching the horse anything is a misguided statement: I will do no such thing. The horse teaches the horse, and the horse teaches me. "Soft handling makes for soft horses". (It doesn't mean I can go and act like a pussy, it means I have to lead by example. How I treat her is how she will treat me.)

How can you follow and trust another being if you don't "get" what they're like? There's nothing like getting focused and clearer about yourself then working with animals and in my case, with a horse. They will tell you. They will mirror your gnawing doubts or your silly behaviour and especially your ignorance. They will take charge when you don't simply because they test you and when you doubt yourself they will know and run with their fancies. They can be cheeky buggers when given the opportunity. It really depends on how steadfast you are to what degree the horse trusts you and will follow you.

Rest assured I will not go into girly fluffy Odes to the Horses, that was not my intention. I'm fascinated by the horse, that she after 16 years is still happy and full of energy despite being taken off a meat truck and having been moved from place to place as a rescue horse. Thoroughbreds are race horses and that's generally what they do. Silky has numbers tattooed on her but I haven't delved into her history as yet. I wish to get to know her as she is now, her past is not relevant as such.

Did you know that horses mostly learn by release of pressure? They don't learn from pain, that's when they just shut it out and ignore it. They respond mostly to subtle changes and naturally respond big time to big changes in their environment. I find this fascinating. It means when interacting with them, that it's vital to "think like a horse" which goes through anticipating, sensing and behaving like a herd animal, and to be more precise: a prey animal, as we humans are the incessant predator types. So I have to be aware of how my behaviour affects the horse and how she will feel about it. All the time. It's quite different then say cattle, horses are more articulate in their responding to us.

I'm deliberately taking my time with Silky. She is still getting used to our place, the noises (doesn't seem to fond of tractors) and gets a bit possesive if Rosie the jersey cow gets more attention then she does. Also what's interesting is who is the "top-mare" (me in this case) and how we stand in each others personal space.

Animals are very much like humans. They have desires, they want to have a clean warm bed, good food and assurance there will be love and cuddles in a place of safety. To me it's important we develop our trust rapport and that she gets used to us doing things together like walking, grooming, foot work, putting things on her back, before I even put a saddle near her. I also have bought a saddle measure device to make sure a saddle is right for her and that back problems won't be an issue. Horse problems often get blamed on the horse whereas they can be as simple of using the wrong gear that hurts them, or having been let down the bad habits path by people who didn't realize what they were teaching.

Partnership, not so much leadership, requires patience and understanding. It also I find is a matter of mostly self responsibility. As a Danish horse whisperer puts it: the horse will want to follow you if you not only do things right but "be" right. It's a co-creation dance. Be aware, and appreciative, and many things will naturally develop, and all will flow from there. So I've started from the assumption and resolve that I feel right within myself, and trust myself, so that she can trust me and that way we can rely on each other in this parnership. Mainly we want to have tons of fun! I know she wants to trot and run too, but all in good time. In building friendship with a horse, going slow makes sure things go smoothly and ultimately: better.

friends

So with your friends: do you look after them no matter what? Do you ward of foes? Do you always hold their hand? Do you tell them everything? What is the friendship protocol? Is it earth quake sensitive?


I guess for everyone it's different where they draw the line in what they are willing to do for their friends. And I'm not talking about the lady you always talk to at the counter of your local supermarket with her "Jenny" name tag and bubbly demeanor however lovely she may be.


Sometimes the best thing you can do for your friend is to let them work out what ever it is that is troubling them, because if you wouldn't give them space you would deprive them of the experience of self discovery. There are also times when you know you have to stick around, bring them soup, sit at their bed and tell silly stories of crazy tea-cosies or have a pillow fight instead.


So: how do you know what to do for a friend? I think you know when you listen to your feelings about it. They are your internal guidance system: it never fails you and it's always handy. Pay attention to what it says. If you feel you have to back off do so, if you feel you have to come to the rescue do so. If you feel you have to stay put do so. Not everyone may understand why you do what you do but that is beside the point as you know what you have to do. And as you are going by your best assessment on any given situation at any time, how could you possibly go wrong?
Here's another toast to instinct and intuition and doing the "right thing" for your friends.

treatment

I like writing about people, not about individuals in a gossipy manner, but how all of us are exploring this vast universe, our world, our private thoughts, our interactions with others. One of my goals is to offer information about these explorations to many people who are looking for it, to meet others and to share knowledge. I would be the first to say: hello you! I'm learning too!

If you would live by yourself all the time, like a hermit, what would you learn really? Don't we learn most when we are interacting with others? At times, the more friction, or upset, the more we can learn, although I wouldn't advocate starting arguments or wars in order to achieve that progress. I read somewhere that the people who challenge us the most, who touch us deeply or simply piss us off beyond belief, are our best teachers. I think this is very accurate.

Instead of perceiving other people as the ones who I'd never like to see again and stay far away from, I have found that it actually doesn't bother me anymore, quite literally too, if I do run into them on occasion it's all fine with me. This is a funny thing and surprisingly: offers great freedom. I can actually wish them well, even if I choose not to be friends with them anymore. I guess we can only be "free" from those, if we have learned to let go of the notion  that we somehow have to "be right" at the end of the conversation, or the silly idea that we always know best. I prefer to think of it as a wise and mature approach, and whenever I catch myself being stuck in an "ego" debate I try to look past whatever it is and "get over it" by realizing I'm being petty or that I don't know all the details.

Being right has never brought anyone anything, except ignorance and arrogance. Haven't we got better things to do? Aren't all of us here to do the same thing? To experience, to grow, and to have fun in a loving and preferably more or less safe environment? I like the idea of treating everyone I meet as if they were related to me in some fashion. This automatically meant I would treat them well, support them in whatever they do and help them if asked for. I will not ask them for anything, as I have all I need inside of me and everyone has got enough to do already. Still, many manage to surprise me with their love, friendship and honesty. To me, that is the most valuable thing of all.

the Christmas Cheer

It's Christmas time.... (well very very almost) A time of sharing, togetherness, reflection and joy. All of us have a different way of looking at Christmas and that makes the world interesting...


Find below some vids that I consider to be part of the Christmas feeling in some way: some frivolity, some seriousness, sharing the warm fuzzies around. Thank you for reading my posts and I wish you a fabulous New Year: that it may bring you all the best for the future.












Have a great holiday!

the online addiction

Nowadays the real world translates into the virtual global maze of networks. Since I've started tweeting (here) there's a whole new dimension to being online for me. Compared to facebook I find tweeting more fun and the interaction immediate. (No games and gazillion quizzes to do.)

The weird thing is that people we do or do not know are accessible and we can talk practically to anyone on the planet. How weird is that? It's surprisingly easy to chat to someone who's into the same line of work or has the same interests. As we work work work it makes it harder to see friends offline.

How do you communicate? Have you dived into Facebook, Hyves, as well as write a blog or follow others? What do you read? Online newspapers/magazines or blogs? Both? Are you on twitter too, do you run an online business? How does typing away everyday make you feel better? Why do you do it? One connection on my twitter professed to be hooked and wondered why no one was sending him a tweet for 18 minutes! Communication moves at an ever increasing speed nowadays. We wonder whether we can we do without the tool that is the internet, as it is practically everywhere.

As we have friends online and off, how do relationships develop? Have you got the feeling you're being listened to online? Do you feel the need to connect to others and is that why you're there? Making or having the time is the question. How does your real life connections compare to the ones online? I've noticed that a few of my friends have the habit at the moment to talk a lot but not to necessarily have the patience to listen as they're in a hurry to tell their own story. Why the need to talk so much? Is it harder and harder to just "be"?

The forward momentum of communication technology hasn't reached it's high yet and it will be fascinating to see where we're all heading towards. Let's hope that we can separate the online world to the "old fashioned" offline one and remember what our own and the actual reality is. Getting connected is a great thing, but if the power goes >>PLOP<<> that's it, we're on our own again.

Business and friendship

Why do we network? To increase business, relations and get to know people ‘like us’.

Steve Pavlina: “First and foremost, I look for shared values. I seek out people who are happy, growth-oriented, open-minded, self-actualizing, and willing to try new things. People who are unhappy, inflexible, immature, or highly judgmental don’t make good friends or contacts for me.”

I’ve tried different networking routes and decided: hey I’m not going to join ‘a club’, a group or whichever else for quite a while. I’m momentarily “grouped” out. Naturally it makes sense when you sport, have a hobby etc to then meet people who are ‘like you’.

Thing is I have a problem: I enjoy meeting people, who are also “not quite like me”. Why? We learn only from someone who is not like us and from situations that force us to push our boundaries and think. The famous ‘point of difference’ comes to mind.

Meeting people ‘you know’ or who are ‘like you’ can be comfortable, cozy and great fun, but may also be limiting. Friends for example are beneficial if they have the guts to be in your face and say hey do you know what you are doing? Have you thought about this? Why do you do that? They keep us on our toes bless them. Networking is not about friendship, but it is about mutual respect and wanting to know what the other person is about and to exchange and learn.

On Linkedin.com there was a discussion about whether friends can limit your business growth. This I found interesting because yes, generally speaking: don’t involve friends in business and if you do partner up with someone you get on with well: get a lawyer in and the paperwork sorted to the max. Otherwise ‘no way gose’. Things can get too complicated however tempting.

Charles Caro:
“One of the Ferengi (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) "Rules Of Acquisition" goes as follows: #123 - A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer. Another one of the "Rules Of Acquisition" states the following: #21 - Never place friendship before profit.
In the Star Trek series many people thought of the Ferengi as "over-the-top" capitalists, but there is a lot of truth to many of their "Rules Of Acquisition". When people are faced with conflicting loyalties they frequently wind up doing harm not only to those they are trying to help but themselves as well.”

Consider for yourself whether indeed your networking is the arena for work, benefit, exchange of knowledge and mutual growth. Are you being professional or friendly? Where do you put your boundaries?

Girl friends

Girls are different from boys.
Amazing! Really? Well naturally for obvious reasons but that set aside, are we just different biologically or is it our conditioning that creates more change/harm than good? One wonders what would happen if girls shaved their heads at an early age, boys grew their hair and each went on to play with respectively their plastic Tommy guns or Barbie dolls.

My parents told me what name they had chosen for me had I been born a boy. Frankly I’m happy I’m a girl. I don’t know what my life would have been like had I grown up like a typical boy. I think it’s a good thing I had two elder brothers as a girl. It’s beneficial to grow up with the other sex in the same household. It’s not just sensible but also educational. Whack! No YOU shut up. Like I said, it’s all good for you. Or something.
Is it true our brains are wired differently? I don’t know and probably some researcher somewhere knows the answer to that one. Point being, we behave differently because we are 1. conditioned that way and 2. Because we have a different biological makeup.

It is fascinating stuff.

I have several very good girlfriends and they seem to have the denominator of: being creative, somewhat whimsical, bright but not die hard business bitches, sensitive, insightful, honest, loyal, gorgeous, hard working, spiritual, funny and independent. Now what does that mean?

They are women who are optimistic about the future, always curious, contemplating, continually working on themselves, got their act together quite a while ago (no more boohoos), have their eye on the ball, made huge progress in their lives, have big hearts, had man trouble in the past but got over any nonsense now. They deserve the respect and love they radiate towards others.

This is saying a lot about me too. I find I have become friends with women who are strong and who work hard on their inner challenges. They know what they’re about. They don’t take any crap either. They laugh but they’re tough as old boots. People who don't know them mistakenly think they’re fragile and that they need rescuing.

We meet various people in our lives; sometimes we stay friends with them for a long period of time, sometimes it’s fairly short. The truth is that it doesn’t really matter. It’s not about the amount of friendships but the quality of it. I have changed my opinion about friendships a long time ago. I’ve always remained positive about believing in others and trusting them, seeing the best of them and what they can be. Ultimately you depend on yourself but friends make life more joyous.

It’s appreciating the moments that are shared but not depending on them being there. Support from others is wonderful but the fact you have to know how to support yourself is essential. I see gifts and support from my friends always as a bonus as I don’t expect any. I have no claims on them, nor do I like to be claimed as one that involves expectations. I think this is a healthy way.

You could say that friends reflect aspects of you, as that is how you connect with them in the first place. Parts of you are similar to theirs and vice versa. It’s like looking in the mirror sometimes.

“Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.”

Not done things

You know, there are subjects one doesn’t write about. You know which ones they are. Sometimes these subjects come into my head as they are after all, a fact of life. Life is in motion, a developing road of being. A state of revolving stories that washes up again and again on the great sandy beach of Human Experience. Anyway…


A while ago I came to a realization. That happens to me from time to time. This had to do with a man friend of mine. Turned out I’m not sure he still is one. This had made me sad as I like him very much. He’s funny, he’s smart and he’s easy to get on with. Things can get complicated between sexes. Do we really want those clear boundaries? It can be safe to have them, and it also can be so boring to have them. I haven’t decided which I prefer, probably the latter but a girl does have to be sensible nowadays. I know, I know, don’t start. Been there done that.


I have found with men that yes one can be friends, as they are really good ones, but if they’re attracted to you, or you to them, things can go pear shape very quickly. It’s such a pain in the bottom. No wonder a lot of women prefer gay friends because then you know where you are at. No dilemmas and great time hanging out in the pub discussing the wandering males, having something bubbly (mine are usually 1 or 2 bourbons or white wines) and kicking up a storm assessing the Appealing State of the Bottoms and what not. Anyway, those giggly days are over for me. I currently do not have a gay guy friend and I do not drink gin and tonics. Sigh. (I always liked to discuss the situ of rear ends though, compelling topic, and yes before you ask I actually did have a gay friend in artschool who I discussed behinds and other philosophical things with when we were having coffees.)


Men are great to talk to. They are to the point, they have usually a clear way of thinking and things do not get frilly. They’re usually not easily offended either. Wonderful stuff. I like men, they’re great human beings. (Give them a cuddle right now!)


So what to do when you stuff up with them? Like I said, I have done that with one. I did regret this for a while after the fact but then got over it. Now I feel like we are strangers passing at the train station. It’s just life I guess and it’s a bit of a shame. But there’s no point wallowing. So I move on.

Hard times for some

Three of my friends have gone, or are going through, a stage where they are trying to pay off their debt. (Two have been declared bankrupt, the other is in the middle of a lawsuit.) By doing so they had or have no money left to pay for food. It’s a very tough place to be in because it means the following:

· Fessing up to strangers that you did things in the past that led you to ask for a food package from the government or the Sallies.
· Feeling humiliated you’re not able to look after your finances and that you need help
· Having to tell family and friends you got to this point which is usually hugely embarrassing (even though the reasons are varied and understandable)
· Having to learn to look yourself in the face and overcome all the emotional issues and find understanding in yourself
· Get a practical plan in place and make a radical change for the future
· After the initial hubbub accept all that happened, tidy up and move on.

It takes a while to get to that last point. I have great admiration for my friends who have admitted they made mistakes, that they didn’t handle their finances in the best of ways and that they are majorly committed now to sticking with budgets and self restraint. My friends said that some people responded weird, that because they ‘lost face’ they were no longer friends. To me that should tell my friends more about what these ‘supposed’ friends were really like in the first place then what it says about themselves.

I think it does anyone great credit to admit they have done something that wasn't so handy and that they have chosen to face the music and continue on regardless. It’s what makes us human. The fact that people, and friends, may do silly things or make mistakes is not a reason for me to stop being friends with them. I would be a very shallow and unwise person if I were to do that.

A friend of mine always says: “Bless the Crisis, because it creates movement and change”. I think he’s very right. Yes, when you’re in a tight spot or when you are going through hard times it’s not funny at the time but looking back it’s one of the best things that could have happened. Why? Because WE LEARN. Being in a safe unchangeable environment is not going to challenge you nor make you grow. Basically I find if people have nothing going on in their lives they are either Mahatma Ghandi types who are transgressed beyond attachment and judgment (extremely rare breed these) or they are trying to safe-glide through life which really, is incredibly boring! I’m not a boring person myself so I’m not surprised I get to know people who are slightly off the wall. That’s fine with me. Imperfectness is beautiful, perfectness is boring as heck.

Having said that, I wouldn’t suggest creating dramas in your life for the sake of it, but when things do happen, taking a good look and work out what the scenario is. What is the hardest part? What do you hate about it? Anything you resist persists someone else said. It’s very very true. You know how events come back into your life, different people and stage, same topic. It stops once you learn from it, when it changes you. These situations honestly cease to come back. I swear funny but true.

Life is to experience, not to learn from in the sense that we are here only to learn. We acquire wisdom by doing. This includes choosing to do stupid things or making choices where we later go: “Hang on, that wasn’t the brightest idea on the planet.” Still we are people. Can we at least be allowed to be human?